So...I was going to post pictures of my L.A. trip yesterday, but I didn't. I also didn't think of anything else to post.
Today, I had a reason to post.
I know many of you read my blog because I am sometimes funny and I talk about varied interests, and I apologize if this brings you down. This blog is my release. I'm a full-time student and essentially a part-time worker. I don't have a great home/family life, I deal with mental disorders, I am an introvert, and I have very few friends I can honestly say I'm close with. This is my place to write what I feel like. This is my place to express myself in ways I otherwise cannot. So I'm going to be writing a real personal.
I've never been really close to any members of my family except three people. My dad, Isaac on my dad's side, and his wife but that was much later, and Seunghyun from my mom's side. Both of my cousins are like brothers to me, except I never get to see them. That being said, it doesn't mean I don't care about my family. Next to honesty, morals, and friendship, comes family to me. (I realize that may not seem like the normal hierarchy but bear with me.)
I haven't been to Korea in 8 years. It's been 8 years since I've seen my Seunghyun oppa. It's been 8 years since I've seen my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. 8 years from a place I called home.
The reason I bring this all up, today (12/22/13), while I was at lunch from work, I found out my uncle died of cancer. He's in Korea, so I doubt I'll make the funeral, but I would like to go out there, and soon. See, the reason why I don't see a lot of my family is for two reasons:
1. I live far away from all of them.
2. My parents and my aunts and uncles disagree quite often.
Because of this, I am ostracized from my family a lot. Even though my immediate family had problems, that doesn't mean I didn't care about any of them. I love them, they're my family. How could I not? I'm in a lot of pain right now. I can't stop crying because I can't stop thinking about all the fun times I had with him. He used to buy me snacks as a kid, hold me up, drive me around Daegu when he was out delivering. I remember walking back to his house and his shop from my gramma's and he would always smile, laugh, try and make me smile and laugh. A kid who barely could speak Korean. I like to think he loved me the way I loved him.
The thought that I can never see him again, kills me. I feel so guilty about not seeing him before he passed. The next time I see him, I'll be at his grave, apologizing for not coming sooner. I really want to be next to my family and comfort them. I really want to say I'm sorry for not being available and not fighting harder to see them. I've missed my family. The thought that there is one person I will never be able to see again, hurts. I haven't had a death close to me in about a decade. I don't know how to mourn, but I am mourning. It seems silly when you realize that I don't hold any recent memories or particular fondness, but I can't help it.
I want to go to Korea soon, and hopefully I'll be able to, so I can mourn properly. Until then, I don't think I'll be okay for awhile. I apologize if I seem lethargic or sensitive, but I don't cope well with sadness. If I miss some blog days, please forgive me.
To my uncle,
I'm really sorry I couldn't see you sooner. I'm really sorry for all the pain I might've caused you. I miss you and I hope you didn't suffer the last few years. I'll come visit soon, I promise.
To my lovelies, I apologize for this sad bit, but I had to get it out.
Until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment